Showing Up
It’s after midnight, eastern time. I am sitting in a hotel room in Philadelphia, listening to Bo Burnham’s INSIDE. Kolchak: The Night Stalker is muted on the TV. I am going to send this out to you all in the morning.
I usually like to draft this newsletter during the week. At the very worst, I write it early on Saturday then spend the day editing. Still, it gets done on time. I like sending something out every week because it feels like a nice way to connect with you.
Some pieces I write turn out better than others. Some turn out worse That’s the nature of anything we create – half of the product will be below average. That’s just a fact. I’ve come to terms with that. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.
There are times the words flow like water. I have to turn on the faucet and get some rust out, but still they come.
Other times, I feel like a character in that movie/TV trope where the person types something on the typewriter, pulls the page out, crumples it up then throws it in the trash. The problem with laptops and traveling is I don’t have the dramatic gesture of crumpling up a sheet of paper and tossing it out. Instead, I can only highlight and press the delete key – a much less impactful action. I guess I could drag the file to the little virtual trashcan. Just doesn’t feel the same, though.
Today is one of those paper-crumpling days.
So, here we are. I am writing to you with nothing to say. That’s pretty scary. You may think, Why are you sending anything then? Because I said I would. I gave this little thing a name that had a due date in it so I would have a date to shoot for each week.
It seems like a dying concept to do something just because you say you would. This can be good. You say you’ll do a thing, then you do it. It’s called Sunday Morning Hot Tea, so that’s when you’ll get it.
I also like to believe we as a society are becoming more understanding. We’re all trying to be kinder to each other and to ourselves. If someone cannot physically do something that they said they would, I hope we give them a little space and a little grace. For instance, sometimes I send y’all a note saying there will be no newsletter because I got engaged or because I baked myself in the sun on July 4th weekend.
This week, there was no reason for me not to do this. Sure, I’m on a short vacation to Philadelphia, but that’s not the problem. There have been a hundred and sixty-some-odd hours between last Sunday and right now. I spent a lot of those hours working on the show. I went to Pure Barre. I did some fun stuff, like having lunch with my mom, going on a dinner date with Paris, and getting my nails done with LeeAnn. I also watched Loki and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season one (have y’all seen “The Dinner Party From Hell” episode? Unreal!)
What I didn’t do? Work on this. At least not directly. I did my morning pages some days, but not every day. Then I flew to Philadelphia to see my friend, Elyse. I tried working on this a little during the trip, but things got in the way – like visiting with her, meeting her family and friends, enjoying a classic Philadelphia sandwich called the Schmitter, and taking a satisfying hotel nap.
That left me with a choice – should I tap out, send you all a message saying, “Sorry, y’all! I’m on vacation!” and go to bed? A part of me wanted to. The other part – that driven part of me that keeps the train moving forward at all costs – said no. It told me to grab a La Colombe draft latte and crank out a meaningful and thoughtful piece for you.
Well, that didn’t happen. I had a few ideas, but I crumpled up everything I started and threw it into the virtual trash can. Still, I decided to send this because of that driven part inside me that won’t let me not.
Here’s the question I keep coming back to: is that driven part a good part of me? Is that what we want – to do what we said we would do no matter what? On the one hand, it makes us reliable. People know we’ll be there for them when we say we will. On the other hand, is it ok to tap out if we just want to? Where is the line between obligation and selfishness?
I don’t have an answer yet, but I’ll keep thinking. Maybe I’ll figure it out somewhere over the next hundred and sixty eight hours. If it comes to me by then, I’ll send you a note and let you know.
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This piece first appeared in Sunday Morning Hot Tea. Subscribe so you don’t miss another piece.