I Drank 10 Pumpkin Spice Lattes in One Day and Here's What Happened
I bet you thought when you clicked on that click-baity title a pop-up would appear that just read DIARRHEA. Not today, kids. At least not any more than usual.
Let me start this by saying I know what I’m about. I’m about being MY BEST SELF! I like what I like and sometimes what I like is TRENDY GARBAGE. That somehow makes me like it more!
Why on Earth did I need 10 PSLs in one day? Well, yesterday Paris and I binged watched the rest of “The Haunting of Hill House” on Netflix. Seven straight hours of spooks and scares succeeded in making me too scared to sleep. At all. Instead, I binge watched season one of “Brooklyn-99” and forced my eyes to stay open while Paris slept soundly beside me.
So today, groggy and unrested, I decided to try 10 different variations on the Pumpkin Spice Latte and report back to you. I will never be the same. Here are the reviews of the PSLs in the order I had them, and the winners listed at the bottom.
PSL is 5/10, Donut is 1,000/10
1. Unrefined Bakery
Location: 6464 E NW Hwy Suite 326, Dallas, TX 75214
Drink: Pumpkin Spice Latte
Rating: 5/10
I will preface this saying that Unrefined is my favorite bakery in Dallas. I have had multiple cakes from them and will always try their Cupcakes of the Week. I have to stop myself from buying their “The Mix” snack mix because I will eat the whole bag in one sitting.
They currently have a Pumpkin Spice Cake that is FANTASTIC! It’s espresso-y and spicey and delicious. They also had PUMPKIN SPICE DONUTS TODAY! This place makes my gluten free heart sing. Yes, I love pumpkin spice lattes, and I’m allergic to gluten. That makes me clinically basic.
But their PSL? Not great. It was quite milk-forward and not pumpkiny or spicy enough. I would give it a 5/10 because it could use more pumpkin spice flavor. The donuts get a one-thousand out of ten.
Side note: Paris really liked the ice coffee especially since the ice cubes are made of coffee so it never gets watered down. Genius!
Hit up I Love U A Latte for them Central Perk vibes.
2. I Love U A Latte
Location: 581 W Campbell Rd #125, Richardson, TX 75080
Drink: Pumpkin Spice Latte
Rating: 5/10
I Love U A Latte is a hidden gem in the Dallas suburb of Richardson. The interior of the space is welcoming, so cute and very conducive to working/writing. The owners/operators provide top notch service. My year-round go-to drink is their Midnight Lavender Latte which is a creamy and floral flavor explosion.
Their PSL? Just OK! They get bonus points for having it year-round. However, the recipe is a regular latte with pumpkin syrup. As such, it comes across as syrup heavy. They are expert latte-makers though, so the foam action was great, and their espresso was high quality. I just prefer the pumpkin source to be from something more than a simple syrup. Check out I Love U A Latte for their Midnight Lavender latte any day of the week. That’s where they shine!
The Great Pumpkin Latte was GREAT!
3. Sweetwaters
Location: 3613 Shire Blvd #110, Richardson, TX 75082
Drink: Great Pumpkin Latte
Rating: 9/10
This one is the best so far. It lives up to its name of a “Great” Pumpkin Latte. It is spice-forward and not too syrupy. There is sufficient milk so it’s creamy but not too heavy. I have started chugging this one. I feel fall coming on even though I’m starting to sweat a little. 9 OUT OF 10!
4. Pink Coffee
Location: 2334 W Buckingham Rd #210, Garland, TX 75042
Drink: Pumpkin Pie Latte
Rating: 8/10
Like Sweetwaters, Pink Coffee’s drink is spicy and sweet but not too syrupy. It doesn’t quite have the same round flavor profile that hits all the marks of a PSL – espresso, cream and spice, but it comes dang close. This one brings enough spice and cream to make me want to drive through New England and look at ALL THE FOILAGE! By this time, I have begun hitting all the high notes on the Ed Sheeran’s songs I have playing in the car. EIGHT OUT OF TEN!
If being cool means not worrying, then call me an old plaid sweater!
5. Sip and Stir
Location: 3800 McKinney Ave #180, Dallas, TX 75204
Drink: Pumpkin Spice Latte
Rating: 4/10
Hey, this street and I have the same name. WEIRD! This is a VERY cool coffee house. It is by far the most crowded of coffee houses. The staff is attractive and look like they should have their own TV show on the CW. I mention to Paris how difficult it must be to work in a place where everyone is so cool and how that must be stressful. He points out that if you’re actually cool then you never stress about being cool. I think the lesson here is that in my stressing, I have proven my lack of coolness.
This also seems like a place that takes actual coffee seriously, so they haven’t time to shilly-shally with a trendy basic bitch drink like a PSL. As such, it is yet another regular latte with pumpkin-flavored syrup in it. Not awesome! But I will come back here to try other more high brow beverages and observe effortlessly cool people in the future. (I’m lying. I’ll probably go to the frozen yogurt store next door because let’s be real, that is where I belong.)
Oh I’ll be myself. Myself loves the shit out of PSLs.
6. Fiction Coffee
Location: 1623 N Hall St, Dallas, TX 75204
Drink: Mr. Tumnus
Rating: 10/10
THIS ONE IS THE BEST DRINK SO FAR! Not a PSL, but a “Mr. Tumnus,” the menu lists the recipe as “double espresso, milk, autumn spice syrup.” Well, folks, that’s the secret! The result is the sought-after PSL hat trick – a perfect balance of spice, sweet and coffee. Creamy but not too heavy. Tastes like FALL BREEZES! DEAD LEAVES! WOOL SWEATERS AND BOOTS! 10/10. Open a vein and frickin inject me with this mess until I become a drooling babbling heap who lives in Maine and only listens to smooth, acoustic guitar playing crooners. TEN OUT OF FRIGGEN TEN!
What a day for a latte and standing like a flamingo!
7. Ascension
Location: 200 Crescent Ct #40, Dallas, TX 75201
Drink: Pumpkin Latte
Rating: 4/10
Ascension, like Sip and Stir before it, is not a place for a basic Target-Starbucks drinking tramp like myself. Their motto is being “focused on incredible, high-quality, farmer-focused coffee from all over the world.” I didn’t think that the two were mutually exclusive - that is, being both focused on good quality coffee and making basic af drinks for insufferable monsters like myself, but apparently they are?
An insider told me that this is made with real pumpkin and no syrup. As such, it is not intended to be sweet like a PSL. That is also why there is no “spice” in this title. I didn’t notice that because my scarves tumbled down off my shoulder and covered the menu words. As a result, it is extremely coffee forward, not pumpkiny and no spicy!
So if you want all of the winter squash flavor with none of the sugar, smash on that Ascension PL (no S).
LET US TRAVEL THROUGH TIME
8. White Rock Coffee
Location: 10105 E NW Hwy, Dallas, TX 75238
Drink: Iced Pumpkin Latte
Rating: 4/10
When I walk up and ask for a Pumpkin Spice Latte, the barista does not ask if I want it hot or iced. He just makes it iced. By this time, it is 88 degrees. The sun is beating down, relentless. The barista is just trying to save me from myself. I don’t say anything and just go with it.
Like I Love U A Latte before it, the White Rock Coffee pumpkin latte suffers from an overabundance of syrup. A little birdie with White Rock Coffee tipped me off that, like Ascension, White Rock Coffee uses real pumpkin in their drinks. That may be true, but I am too overwhelmed by the syrup to get through to it. I am also now 8 lattes deep. I CAN SEE FALL! Yeah maybe it’s 88 degrees but 88 miles per hour is how Doc and Marty got to the future, so maybe once I chug this 8th latte at 88 degrees I can blast through time and end up busting out on the other side in a huge pile of leaves. ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!
PRAISE OUR PUMPKIN OVERLORDS
9. Dunkin Donuts
Location: 6464 Northwest Hwy, Dallas, TX 75214
Drink: Iced Pumpkin Spice Latte
Rating: 8/10 – Best Iced
Yet again, I order a Pumpkin Spice Latte, and the rational person behind the counter doesn’t ask and just assumes I mean iced. This makes sense as it has crept up to 89 degrees in Dallas. I watch her pump syrup into the clear plastic cup, following it with milk. She dumps a small carafe of espresso on top.
“Whip cream?” she asks.
“You bet your goddamn visor,” I want to say, but looking at the gaggle of kids beside me, screaming what donuts they want, I nod. Or I think I do.
“Ma’am?”
Time has stopped. She puts the whipped cream on anyway, finishing it with a caramel drizzle and cinnamon sugar topping. She hands it to me, and I thank her. I thank the universe. I thank the Pumpkin God, the one true almighty spirit that brings us together each October. PRAISE HIM. I slip a straw in and take my communion.
I have achieved my final form.
10. Starbucks
Location: 9440 Garland Rd #110-112, Dallas, TX 75218
Drink: #PSL - The Original
Ranking: IMPOSSIBLE
How do you rank the one who started it all? How do you rank a god? Before the #PSL, there was nothing. Darkness. We went straight from regular coffee to Peppermint Mocha. No in-between. No bridge. No gentle foreplay from summer to winter. A whipsaw of flavors.
But then, PSL was born.
In 2003, some beautiful genius decided to take pumpkin, cream and sugar and mash it all together. Some people said they were crazy, that it would never work. Well 200 million drinks later, who is laughing now? WHO? I’M NOT. Not now at least. The only time I laugh is when my girlfriends and I, clad in our tall leather boots and felt hats, stand arms intwined, faces frozen in laughs, while the shutter snaps. That sweet orange goo running through our veins.
Final Rankings
Third Place
Pink Coffee
Second Place
Sweetwaters
First Place
Fiction
Best Iced Version
DURNKIN DERNUTS
HAPPY FALL, Y’ALL!
***
Warning: Never drink 10 lattes in one day. When the day is done, you may find yourself at a Tex Mex drive thru, getting a bunch of flautas, eating them then falling asleep to YouTube videos about famous political figures. CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR. If you do, she’ll say, “For the love of all that is holy, why would you do that? No I will not sign off on that. That is not OK behavior. Please leave my office. Why are you crying?”
