[Satire] Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos Answers Teachers' Questions About New 'Imminent Death Benefits'
"Kids need to be back in school, and school leaders across the country need to be making plans to do just that. There is going to be the exception to the rule. But the rule should be that kids go back to school this fall. And where there are little flare-ups or hotspots, that can be dealt with on a school-by-school or a case-by-case basis." – Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos on CNN regarding the deadly COVID-19 virus
It has now been six weeks since the mandatory Return-to-School protocols have been put into place. At this point, we have all become used to the refrigerated trucks parked behind our school football fields and playgrounds. Some still bear the names of food distribution companies that once delivered delicious pre-made frozen vegetables like pizza to students across the country. Now the faculty, staff and students are the frozen vegetables, stacked one on top of the other, a convenient 30 yards from the rooms in which they used to learn and teach.
The outraged reaction we received was initially understandable. Yes, dropping dead mid-lecture was a possibility we had considered, but admittedly we did not expect it to be as common as this. However, as many of you were aware at the outset of this school year, we prepared you with the resources you needed to handle this issue. You asked for masks, face shields, gloves and hand sanitizer. But those are just more supplies that you could buy for yourselves.
What you got from us was so much more. We provided each of you (at a low cost, may I remind you) estate planning resources for all teachers to get their affairs in order in anticipation of their imminent and painful deaths as a result of definite exposure to COVID-19.
We’ve seen the success estate planning has had for the private sector and for many small business owners, so we expected that teachers would appreciate the value-add that the Department was providing (again, at a relatively low price compared to the free market). Many teachers balked at the idea of getting their affairs in order. The idea of determining which family member would be legal guardian over their child, should the child somehow survive secondary exposure was “upsetting” and “alarming.” The existence of any assets to be distributed after a teacher’s death was called “unlikely” and “already spent on tissues, crayons, markers, and paper.”
From the beginning of my tenure at the Department, I’ve been an advocate for safety in the classroom. Whether it was guns to guard against grizzly bears or wills in response to the pandemic, I always try, to the best of my ability, to formulate a response to a possible crisis.
A happy recipient of our Classroom Supervision Kit
In response to COVID-19, I am urging all schools to provide their students with full time supervision given the resources the Department has offered. I acknowledge that supervision could and may well look different depending on the time and manner of death of the teacher. To show our undying support of our teachers around the country, the Department is proud to announce we will be providing sunglasses, windbreakers, false mustaches and wheelchairs to facilitate a possible “Weekend at Bernie’s” type of situation should the need arise.
The biggest question I get regarding these new benefits is, “Do I have to die?” There is no one uniform answer to this. Honestly, each school is different. The deaths of teachers in my hometown of Detroit may be different and less heinous than those of teachers and students in Houston or Tampa.
No matter our location, we all must return to normal. That means kids, in school, in person, in the classroom. If that also means teachers up front, at the chalkboard, in a pair of sunglasses and windbreaker while their corpses are being wheeled around and possibly getting into wacky situations, that is the price we as a country are willing to pay.